I fell in love with someone who only loved themselves.

I gave them everything I had, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I made sure they were taken care of, meanwhile neglected myself. Of course, you know, they said everything I needed and wanted to hear when it first began. Just as you would expect. Not a whole lot, but just enough to keep me hanging on. 

I fell for it. All of it. 

But what I didn’t realize was the amount of hurt and destruction I was about to endure. I was just so desperate to be loved and appreciated by him. So much so, that I forgot how to love myself. This quickly became toxic to my very well-being. Even with him right next to me, I had never felt so alone. Sleepless nights, tossing and turning and crying myself to sleep. Literally crying myself to sleep every night. Anxiety attacks on a daily basis, worrying to the point that I was physically ill. I was constantly made to feel like I wasn't good enough. I was mentally abused and made to feel like it was normal. It's not normal. And it was not okay. But I was expected to be okay with it.
I became so anxious and insecure that I could barely function.

It was ALWAYS my fault. Never his. He was inattentive towards me but attentive towards everyone else, especially any other female offering their attention. Expressing my feelings of hurt and worry was a conversation he never wanted to have. I was just “overreacting” or being “crazy.” We would have an argument or disagreement and he would refuse to help solve it until I became an anxious mess. Then the next day, he would use any anxiety triggers he could think of against me just to hurt me and would play it off like everything was fine and he didn’t know EXACTLY what he was doing.

As time went on and the abuse continued, my mental health rapidly declined. I developed a severe anxiety disorder and depression. My whole world revolved around him. I did everything to avoid making him upset so he wouldn't get angry and treat me the way he had been. I was afraid to bring up the things that bothered me and kept them in until I couldn’t anymore. I lost ambition for all of the things I loved and became obsessed with just trying to make him happy and make our relationship work. I clung to the very few good times we had and just kept thinking to myself that things could be like that all the time. But they couldn't. I hit rock bottom, I lost myself.

Out of desperation, I finally sought the help I needed. Ended that relationship and began focusing all of my time and energy on myself. The best revenge isn’t getting even – it’s moving on. I finally learned to love myself. And never again will I beg for that love from somebody else. 

Rock bottom is the foundation on which I rebuilt my life. 

The hardest battle you'll ever have to fight is within yourself. But whatever you do, keep fighting.

Photo: Kiati Plooks / Edits: Tim Brosius / Model: Liana Maria / Concept: Andrew Key, Rebecca Ellis, Samantha Trionfo, Tim Brosius